Women's Safety
Stalking

Women's Safety - Thousands of stalking cases are far more bizarre and scary than most normal people can imagine. Stalkers go to outrageous extremes to connect with the object of their obsession yet may appear perfectly normal. Sometimes women are slow to realize they're being stalked because the elaborate methods are so subtle – in the beginning.

For instance, a young woman didn’t know that a classmate had a demented crush on her. He’d traced her boyfriend’s address and bludgeoned him to death. Not a suspect in the murder, he even drove her to her boyfriend’s funeral. ... Despite his further romantic efforts, she eventually found another boyfriend. Her stalker then traced him, too, and set fire to his house as well as his relative's. This time he was arrested and the whole story came out.

A man was charged with stalking for attaching a cell phone and global positioning system to his ex-girlfriend's car to track her whereabouts. Police said Ara Gabrielyan used the satellite tracking system to follow the woman and meet her unexpectedly at a bookstore, an airport, a cemetery and dozens of other places after she ended their relationship. The woman finally learned how he was following her when she discovered him under her car attempting to change the cell phone's battery.
Excerpted from The Sacramento Bee – 04 September 2004

State laws generally define stalking as a malicious pattern of harassment that would instill fear in a reasonable person. Roughly half of all women victims are verbally threatened, two percent are murdered (usually ex-partners), and many women suffer from anxiety, insomnia, social dysfunction, and depression for an average of nearly two years.

At an estimated rate of 1.4 million cases each year, stalking behavior may include phone calls, letters, gifts, snooping around the woman’s private life, tailing, threatening or endangering, and vandalizing or stealing. Stalkers may vacillate between sending a dead rat one day and flowers the next. The women victims, police, and courts are usually baffled in stopping stalkers because oftentimes no laws are broken or are difficult to enforce.

Stalking begins when a romance fizzles out for one lover and the other won’t let go, or a deluded wanna-be lover won’t let go of an imagined romance. The sore loser begins futile tactics that only further alienate the target, or seeks revenge for being rejected. Typically, if the harassment continues for more than two weeks, it will get worse over time.

A growing number of people are becoming victims of the new crime of cyberstalking. Upward of 100 new cases are reported each week of someone using the Internet to intimidate another person. Internet groups recommend using a free e-mail account in chat rooms and a private address for friends. ... The crime can be committed by anyone who lets an obsession take over part of his or her life. Surprisingly, it's often doctors or lawyers. Only a handful persist after being contacted by authorities.
Excerpted from The Christian Science Monitor – 03 September 2002

A woman finally moved to another city to escape a stalker and covered her tracks to avoid being traced. But soon her stalker found her town and was still trying to find her exact address when he took a job delivering pizza. They were both shocked speechless when the woman opened her door for the pizza she’d ordered.

Men comprise 87 percent of stalkers and 78 percent of stalking victims are women. While all stalkers are mentally unstable and unpredictable, each is unique and may come from any socio-economic or cultural background. There is no one sure way (legally) women can prevent a stalker from escalating to violence or stopping him outright. Even a prison term may stop him only briefly while increasing his anger. But at least the women have time to relocate without a trace.

KILLER'S EX-GIRLFRIEND TELLS OF OWN STALKING
It could have been me. That's the first thing Marjorie Wolfe thought when she heard Jeffrey Calvert shot and killed his ex-girlfriend, Christin Stock, and then himself. ... Wolfe still remembers Calvert's kind face when they met in 1992. Three years later, Calvert was convicted of stalking her. In the three months he was jailed, Wolfe sold her home, changed her name and moved out of state, fleeing Calvert. Still, word of Calvert's crime shocked Wolfe. ... In hindsight, Wolfe says Calvert was emotionally abusive early in the relationship. "He was very controlling," said Wolfe. "I was always in trouble or afraid of making him mad." When Wolfe ended the relationship in 1994, she said Calvert became physically violent for the first time, pushing her against a wall as she tried to make him leave her home. ... Karen Burke, director of Domestic Violence and Sexual Assault Services of Whatcom County, said, "We often ask women why they don't leave," Burke said. "The reality is that that's the time they're in the most danger. That's the time the abuser knows they're losing control and ups the tactics they use to control." ... "Through all of that, I didn't even think of stalking," Wolfe said. "I thought of stalking as happening to somebody else, I guess. If you're in the middle of it, you can't see. That's the frightening thing. You don't realize how serious it is when a person is emotionally out of control."
Excerpted from The Bellingham Herald (WA) – 19 March 2008

Stalkers may be men or women, hetero- or homosexual, a stranger, Internet chat mate, faint acquaintance, classmate, coworker, neighbor, friend, or most commonly, a former intimate partner.

A stalker may pursue anyone imaginable, such as his employer, minor or major celebrities, or even his psychotherapist. A physician in Wichita KS was convicted of stalking 17 of his women patients. While every situation is different, (and to replace clunky clinical terms) I've created new terms: “Romantic Fantasy” and “Ex-Partner” (and added "Grudge" and "Sporting" stalkers.)

“Romantic Fantasy” stalkers comprise roughly 25 percent of all stalkers. They target a friend, an acquaintance or a complete stranger - usually women. These stalkers have "psychological disorders” and truly believe their fantasies. Early on, the stalking may resemble normal romantic attention until it persists after the woman clearly rejects him, whereupon the stalker may threaten or become violent – usually damaging property, but may harm or kill the woman.

“Ex-Partner” stalkers comprise roughly 75 percent of all stalkers. They target a former or current romantic partner (usually a woman who’s just begun trying to end the relationship). While extremely jealous and insecure, they may or may not have “psychological disorders” but do have serious “personality disorders” and are potentially dangerous.

[Incidentally, "Grudge" stalkers, seeking revenge for reasons real or imagined (not romantic), usually vandalize or harass their victims but may escalate to violence. "Sporting" stalkers seek pleasure in controlling their victims through fear, usually without harming them. Neither of these are tracked statistically as such and are not the focus of this page.]

There are warning signs with obsessive love. "Try to be aware, when you first meet someone, if it's 'too much, too soon,' " advised Michael Prodan of the Department of Justice Behavioral Science Unit. "It goes against our innate notion of 'love at first sight,' but you need to be aware of a push. Being relentlessly pursued doesn't mean you're special, it means the person is troubled."
Excerpted from The Hutchinson News (KS) – 09 May 2006

Stalkers usually share two or more of these traits: he’s impulsive, obsessive, selfish, doesn’t take no for an answer, has few friends, and has low self-esteem.

A partner, or ex-partner, who may be inclined to commit a violent act may exhibit some of the following warning signs:
• A feeling of helplessness or loss of control in the relationship.
• The loss of perspective, where the person begins to over-interpret what his or her partner says or does.
• Isolation from friends and family and a loss of interest in other people and activities.
Signs that your partner or ex-partner may become violent:
• A history of prior domestic violence.
• Ongoing substance abuse.
• Actual or threatened suicide attempts.
• A growing and unhealthy dependence upon you, in which he or she excludes their friends and activities, and becomes focused on you exclusively.
Excerpted from The Detroit Free Press – 17 April 2008

Trust your intuition. If you feel unsafe, you probably are, and should seek help. Take threats seriously.

Songs and movies may add fuel to a stalker’s fire. Songs like the Eagles’ “One Of These Nights,” Blondie’s “One Way Or Another,” and Sting’s “Every Move You Make” are but three of many that advocate persistent pursuit of a romantic target. Harmless for the ordinary listener, these types of songs may serve as sinister anthems for stalkers of women.

Moreover, seeing movies with a hero romantically pursuing a beautiful woman, then finally winning her heart and living happily ever after, is not a healthy message for a stalker’s unstable mind. He’ll fancy himself the star of his own script and cast an unlucky woman as his romantic interest.

Perhaps the woman was too kind to him early on and he heard what he wanted to hear rather than what she actually meant to say. Perhaps she didn’t clearly and firmly reject his romantic delusion – nipping it in the bud before it bloomed in full.

Christopher Shumway had a crush on Erin Sperrey and asked her out several times. Her mother said Sperrey was too polite to say no to Shumway but instead made up excuses as to why she couldn’t go out with him. ... One day about a month ago her daughter agreed to meet with Shumway outside of work. Instead, she stood him up by going to a friend’s house. “He came to the friend’s house and was having little fits,” she said. ... Her sister said Sperry was not fearful of Shumway but that she did mention that Shumway was upset that she turned down his date requests. “She was not really afraid of him. There was no way she could expect him to get violent.” Shumway soon stabbed her to death.
Excerpted from The Bangor Daily News (ME) – 07 January 2005

A common gambit used by pick-up artists trolling nightclubs for naïve or needy women is also sometimes used by stalkers and rapists: “You look familiar. Where have I seen you before?” Gullible targets walk right into such traps by revealing personal information. Savvy targets don’t.

Other times a woman will reluctantly agree to a date or give her phone number to a man she's not interested in. Maybe she's caught by surprise and feels too awkward to just say "No." But she's merely delaying his rejection later on. Even a benign guy will feel less disappointment sooner rather than later. A deluded guy may never understand why a woman let him get to first base then left him stranded. For him, it's too late to stop now – the game has already begun and he plans on winning.

Pay close attention to anyone’s craving for you. Even a seemingly innocent and common romantic crush involves powerful emotions that can escalate into a haunting, long-term bombardment of your emotions. Be quick to recognize unusual attention and act immediately.

Similar to Date Rape miscommunication, some men tend to misinterpret women's feelings, and some women tend to send mixed messages. Be sure to send only clear, firm, yet polite messages. Hints do not work! Make your feelings clear – and clearly expect a proper response.

If he’s mildly aggressive, you might say, “Thank you for your offer, but I’m not interested.” If he’s crude, you can either ignore him with a huff or you might say, Please leave me alone!” However you handle it, politely leave no doubt that you’re not interested.

If you know your stalker, as soon as possible be blunt, clear, and firm (yet polite) as you tell him you absolutely don’t want a relationship with him and never will. Say, "I don't want a relationship with you, and I know I won’t change my mind.” Period! Say this one time only, then never speak to him again. If he ignores what you say, he’s proving your feelings don’t matter to him.

Make sure you don’t let him down easy. That makes him think you’re not sure and might later change your mind. Clearly reject him (politely - to avoid his spiteful revenge), but avoid giving specific reasons because he’ll challenge each one.

Remain calm and very polite. The crucial key is carefully balancing between never insulting him yet never being warm to him either. Remain coolly polite. Simply say, "No thank you, I'm not interested.” Allowing no further discussion, do not negotiate. End the conversation. Otherwise, like a spark igniting a raging inferno, the deluded mind of a potential stalker will fan any glimmer of hope into a burning passion that will consume you.

If he ignores your clear demand to leave you alone, then immediately get the police involved. Insist on a written police report every time, save all evidence, and keep a log so you can get a court protection order.

Protection orders stop the mild stalkers. The police need one to begin the processes leading to the eventual jailing of a stalker who disobeys it. A bold stalker (usually a long-time ex-partner feeling devastated) might ignore protection orders and warnings, though he may pause awhile or change tactics. Most protection orders on bold stalkers are indeed violated, but having a protection order at least allows the police to arrest him. Women should report any violation immediately and press charges.

However, do not rely on a protection order as though it’s ironclad protection. It cannot protect you – it’s merely a piece of paper often found in the purses of women murdered by their stalkers.

A bold stalker may have no history of violence but that’s not a guarantee he won’t suddenly become violent – even homicidal – especially if he threatens suicide (he becomes very dangerous if he feels he has nothing left to lose). Not only is the woman in possible danger but so too are people near her if the stalker thinks they’re an obstacle to his pursuit.

The suspect had been stalking the victim's girlfriend for several years and showed up at her home Friday. Police say the stalker was confronted by the woman's boyfriend, an argument followed and the boyfriend was shot.
Excerpted from KLAS-TV8 Las Vegas – 06 October 2007

Many court-appointed victim advocates warn that sometimes a protection order may not be wise if the woman feels that it will provoke the stalker to escalate the violence. The victim is the expert on her own life.

Summerton SC - A mother and daughter, Barbara and Teresa Johnson, were hugging each other when the daughter's ex-boyfriend, Charles Junious, shot and killed them both.
Excerpted from Asheville Citizen-Times NC – 30 November 2007

If you feel there’s even the slightest danger, immediately call the police. Then call your local rape crisis center – they'll get you help in navigating these stormy seas. You can trust their advice – many are former victims themselves – they know.

Stalking experts Gavin de Becker, Linden Gross, Dr. Doreen Orion, and Captain Robert Snow (their books are listed below) contributed significantly to this page and recommend that you must absolutely avoid any talking with a stalker. He needs psychotherapy, but not from his victim. You’ll only make things worse by trying to reason with an unreasonable mind. Telling him again and again that you don’t want to talk to him means that you’re talking to him again and again. Even your shrieking at him to leave you alone gives him the perverse satisfaction of connecting with you. Deflate his threats by ignoring them. Sending a friend to threaten him may escalate the danger. Proceed with extreme caution. Though you’re greatly aggravated, do not act rashly by trying for revenge – that might just fire him up even more, and besides, you might end up in jail.

• Never let him know he’s having any effect on you – never give him a “reward.”
• Shield your home as described in Home Security and Home Security Products Buying Guide - Intro.
• Never throw away any identifying mail. Shred everything.
• If you’re being harassed by telephone, leave that line connected to a recorder for gathering evidence, and get a second line (unlisted) that you give only to your most trusted friends.
• Get Caller ID on your phone.
• Get a camera cell phone and document every encounter.
• Have your friends, neighbors, and coworkers help shield you.
• Change your schedule to make it harder to follow you.
• Circle your block a few times before going home to see if he’s following you or lurking about your house (if so, go straight to the police station).
• Plan an escape route in case the stalker enters your home, or which streets to use if someone were following you (whether you’re on foot or driving). Have it clear in your mind before you need to escape so that high anxiety won’t cloud your judgment.

One trick is to have a friend drop you off at a shopping mall entrance. You scoot in one door and out the other side of the mall where a second friend is waiting to whisk you away. That'll give you at least a brief reprieve anyway.

“Often there is no end, no resolution. It just drags on and on with the victim never knowing if it is finally over.” - Psychiatrist Doreen Orion, MD, stalking victim and author of I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrists Journal of Erotomania, Stalking, and Obsessive Love

Stalking may fade away, continue for years, or escalate. Sometimes an uneventful month gives you hope that it’s over, and then it starts again. The police have very little time to devote to protecting you. You’re essentially left on your own to deal with this mysterious, slow-motion crime. You must devise strategies to protect yourself – and to provide police with evidence they can use in court.

Unfortunately, all strategies require you to make sacrifices – from rearranging your daily routine to spending your money. Thus, you must be clever, patient, and ultimately outsmart the stalker.

You can choose simple home electronics to suit your unique needs and budget. Maybe add outdoor lighting all around your home and use surveillance cameras on a digital recorder to reveal a prowler’s identity. Perhaps get a hidden motion-sensitive full-color night-vision camera to secretly record the stalker in the act. Or maybe get a hidden motion-sensitive microphone to alert you when the stalker enters a certain space. These devices might supplement an actual home alarm system – www.adt.com. (As a bonus, these devices also help protect women from all types of criminals as well.)

The key is in outlasting him. If his efforts to connect with you or hear your voice never pay off, he’ll eventually tire of you and target a new woman to haunt. In fact, that’s the most common way for women to finally shed a stalker. Otherwise, ultimately, some women may have to change jobs and move far away while leaving no trail to follow.

Frank Ahearn, who describes himself as a privacy expert, is a man who makes a living from making people disappear. "A lot of women who come to me are trying to escape stalkers or violent husbands. ... Success is dependent on following a strict set of rules and, despite increasing technology storing huge amounts of personal information, he insists it is actually now easier for people to reinvent themselves than ever before. Technology is much more of a friend than a foe. "There are pay-as-you-go phones, even pay-as-you-go credit cards. The days when you had to go into a bank with an account book to withdraw money are long gone. ... "My job is basically to go through a checklist with the client and ensure that all loose ends are tied up. ... People ask about what's the best way to visit their friends and that kind of thing. “Those who think disappearing is an easy way out need to think again. The mistake people make is that they forget it's a complete lifestyle change, you can't do anything you used to do before. People get complacent and that's when they put themselves at risk of being discovered."
Excerpted from The Yorkshire Post (UK) – 14 March 2008

A private investigator might help you cover your tracks – and serve as a liaison back at your former home.

Instead of trying to deal with the problem on her own, a woman shared her situation with her friends, who banded together. They took turns staying overnight, visiting her at work, helping her take care of day-to-day chores; they swapped cell phones and cars and helped her move – twice. She was able to shake the stalker and move on with her life.
Excerpted from Diane Mapes’ column in The Seattle Post Intelligencer – 17 January 2008

Now you see why it’s far better to recognize a stalker’s behavior early on – the sooner, the better – and nip it in the bud before it grows out of control and wreaks havoc in your life.

For convenience, learn self-defense ONLINE for women's safety:

KRAV MAGA, a practical self-defense system used by many police forces worldwide, teaches you to defend yourself, enhances your survival instinct, and can be applied under extreme stress. It's not flashy, just very effective. I highly recommend it. The Krav Maga TV - Online Training videos are especially convenient to learn at home when your schedule allows or if you don't live near a training center.

Women's Safety - Books
• The Gift Of Fear: Survival Signals that Protect Us from Violence by Gavin de Becker. Little, Brown & Co. 1997.
• I Know You Really Love Me: A Psychiatrists Journal of Erotomania, Stalking, and Obsessive Love by Doreen Orion, M.D.
• Stopping a Stalker: A Cop’s Guide to Making the System Work by Captain Robert L. Snow. Plenum 1998
• Surviving A Stalker: Everything You Need To Know To Keep Yourself Safe by Linden Gross. Marlowe & Co. 2000.

Women's Safety - Contacts
• Domestic Abused Women's Network (DAWN) www.dawnonline.org
• National Center for Victims of Crime www.ncvc.org
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence www.dawnonline.org
• National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline www.loveisrespect.org
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) www.rainn.org

Background Checks for women's safety
Find out if someone was ever in a U.S. federal prison (assuming he’s using his real name) by calling 202-307-3126; or a state prison for a sex crime at www.fbi.gov. Or see www.CriminalSearches.com website (no fee). It also shows a map with names of anyone arrested in a specific neighborhood, and sends you e-mail alerts when someone in your life is arrested or someone with a criminal record moves in nearby. ... However, the above sources are often incomplete, and there’s no way to distinguish between people with the same name if you don’t know their birthdays (and even that date is often missing). Nevertheless, women can always hire a private detective – a simple background check usually costs $50-100.

Stalking Vctims should also go to the Domestic Violence link below to find expert help in all crimes against women.

Go to
• Women’s Safety - Overview
• Date Rape (or “Acquaintance Rape”): hidden risks, date rapist profiles, early warning signs, controlling a date, and escaping a threat.
• Stalking (YOU’RE NOW ON THIS PAGE): stalker profiles, early warning signs, and escaping a stalker.
• Domestic Violence (or Relationship Violence): batterer's profiles, early warning signs, understanding the psycho-dynamics of both batterer and victim, and escaping.
• Recap & Resources: a summary of this Women's Safety section.
• Personal Security Products

For overall rape prevention strategies – both acquaintance and stranger – see Rape Escape Options - Overview and especially Ultimate Rape Prevention.

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