Women's Safety
DATE RAPE
Crimes Against Women

Women's Safety - Date Rape (or Acquaintance Rape) accounts for roughly 85 percent of all rapes. A few cautionary examples:

SWM, 6'2", 200 lbs., Intellectual, and Romantic - The online personal ad reads like many a woman's dream – an intellectual former librarian who traveled the world and loves music, literature, water sports, yoga and women. "I'm a compassionate, 6' 2", 200 lbs., athletic guy who enjoys Mediterranean food, poetry, and baroque music," reads the posting. "I'd like to get to know you and share interests, experiences and whatever else destiny permits," says the ad, which includes a flattering photograph of him smiling and posing casually at a table. ... What the ad doesn't mention is that the author is also a two-time killer who used hammers to fatally bludgeon two ex-girlfriends. Former librarian William Coday also doesn't reveal online that he is waiting to find out if a jury will recommend he get the death penalty or life in prison for the latest murder.
Excerpted from The South Florida Sun-Sentinel – 07 May 2002

The 13-year-old victim was gang raped inside a park restroom. The girl had gone to the park after accepting a ride home from school from four males, at least one of whom she knew, the detective said. ... At the park, the five joined a group of about 15 other males who were drinking beer and vodka and smoking marijuana. At some point, the men forced the girl to drink vodka, then dragged her into the women's restroom, where she was repeatedly raped.
Excerpted from The Pasadena Star-News – 14 July 2005

"Rico" Turner met the victim one night at a tavern. Since he didn't have a car, he asked if she'd drop him off at his house. She had plans with friends later, but agreed, since he said he lived close by. She had no idea he was leading her to a dark site on a dead-end road. And there – threatening to kill her if she didn't comply with his sexual demands – Turner brandished a box cutter, slashed her hand when she tried to grab it and prevented her from driving off. Then when she attempted to run, he caught up with her and dragged her to a grassy area behind her car and brutally raped her.
Excerpted from The Centre View Connection (VA) – 08 July 2004

PLANNING YOUR DATE

Right from the start women must take control and keep it. Begin by screening your prospective date. Even if you’ve seen him around or some of your friends seem to know him, he’s still a virtual stranger to you. He could be a serial date rapist whose victims never pressed charges. This uniquely traumatic crime causes most women to never report date rape to the police – thus a date rapist rapes again and again until someone finally stops him.

Know his full name, address, phone number, what he does, and who his friends are. Don’t reveal your phone number to a stranger. On your first date, meet him at a public place and have a friend with you (even momentarily) so he’ll know a witness has seen him. Don't allow yourself to be isolated with someone you don't know or trust. Know the level of intimacy you want in a relationship, and clearly tell him your limits.

Use taxis to get around – not cars, especially not his car. Pay your own expenses so he doesn’t think you owe him anything. Take an active role in deciding how the date will be spent. Don’t go anywhere with him unless he knows you’ve told others. Make him earn your trust. Stay sober. Always be ready to end the date early – better sooner than later – and always have a true escape route.

If using a dating service, keep your phone number private by placing the ad yourself rather than responding to one. Do not believe the dating service’s claims of screening clients. Criminals lie! See the sex-offender web sites below to check his background. But they're not totally reliable - and he may be using phony ID.

See Date Rape Drugs to learn from victims how to stay safe.

PROFILE OF A SERIAL DATE RAPIST

Most men do indeed control their frustrated lust when women want to limit sexual activity. A man ignoring a woman’s clear refusal tends to confuse her and make her reluctant to fight – especially since a date rapist is more likely to pin down a woman rather than strike or choke her. Nevertheless, a woman has every right to defend herself with whatever severity is necessary (see Rape Escape Options - Ultimate Rape Prevention, and Fighting Options - Overview).

Early warning signs: staring at you, standing too close, touching you freely and suddenly, blocking your way and following you, enjoying your discomfort, ignoring what you say, calling you names you don’t like, using foul language, thinking he’s smarter than you, becoming angry when you disagree with him, and being rude and demanding of waitresses and women in general. In all, they usually display pushy, menacing, dominating behavior. Yet other date rapists seem as sweet as can be until they get you alone. Any talk or behavior that makes you uncomfortable should be addressed immediately – too many rape victims were too "nice."

Kissing and hugging, even flirting, might be seen as your consent to full sexual intercourse. Since many men tend to misinterpret women’s feelings, and some women tend to send mixed messages, be sure to send clear and firm messages – both verbal and non-verbal. Hints do not work! Make your feelings known loud and clear. He can't read your mind. If he’s doing something to you that you don't like, say so!

SAYING "NO!"

When it comes to legal autonomy, a woman's body is no different than her house. Do not enter means do not enter. Think of it this way: If you invite someone onto your front porch, then into your kitchen, then decide it's time for him or her to leave, that person has no right to say, “Well, you let me in, so I'm going to take a bath now.'' Likewise, one form of sexual contact doesn't automatically excuse another.
Excerpted from a Miami Herald article by Linda Robertson – 02 August 2003

It’s often difficult to spoil the mood of a date by denying him his lust. But no matter how passionate you’ve allowed intimacy to become, you always have the right to change your mind and say “No” or “Stop” at any point. Just make it very clear to him that you’ve absolutely decided “NO” for sure. Remember that you're not obligated to fulfill any prior expectations and should not feel guilty for opposing his desires. Be very sure of this so you’ll firmly safeguard your rights and also avoid confusing yourself – or confusing him.

Once a woman emphaticly tells a man a definite "NO" and makes it very clear that she wants all sexual activity to stop, any further physical advance by the man becomes sexual assault. Tell him to stop touching or threatening you or you’ll call the police. It’s at that point that you have the right to defend yourself as necessary. You don’t need to eye-gouge him for a mild offense or otherwise overreact. Match your response to the degree of threat. Date rapists tend to be less violent than stranger rapists and rely more on physical coercion such as pinning down women. Save your most ferocious strikes for when the situation becomes desperate.

Many date rape crimes occur in cars. See Survival Options - Kidnapping and Survival Options - Kidnap Survival. Also, see Survival Options - Worst Case, Rape Escape Options - Ultimate Rape Prevention, Fighting Options - Overview, and 911 Calls: how to do it right.

WOMEN'S PERSONAL SAFETY RESOURCES

KRAV MAGA, a practical self-defense system used by many police forces worldwide, teaches you to defend yourself, enhances your survival instinct, and can be applied under extreme stress. It's not flashy, just very effective. I highly recommend it. The Krav Maga TV - Online Training videos are especially convenient to learn at home when your schedule allows or if you don't live near a training center.

Books
• Beauty Bites Beast: Awakening the Warrior Within Women and Girls by Ellen Snortland. Trilogy Books 1998.
• The Date Rape Prevention Book by Scott Lindquist. Sourcebooks 2000.
• The Feminine Warrior: A Woman’s Guide to Empowerment by Al Marrewa. Kensington 1998.

Contact
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) www.rainn.org

Background Checks for women's safety
Find out if someone was ever in a U.S. federal prison (assuming he’s using his real name) or a state prison for a sex crime at www.fbi.gov. Or see www.CriminalSearches.com website (no fee). It also shows a map with names of anyone arrested in a specific neighborhood, and sends you e-mail alerts when someone in your life is arrested or someone with a criminal record moves in nearby. ... However, the above sources are often incomplete, and there’s no way to distinguish between people with the same name if you don’t know their birthdays (and even that date is often missing). Nevertheless, you can always hire a private detective – a simple background check usually costs $50-100.

SAFETY TIPS FOR WOMEN

For overall rape prevention strategies – both acquaintance and stranger – see Rape Escape Options - Overview and especially Rape Escape Options - Ultimate Rape Prevention.

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