Women's Safety
Date Rape

Women's Safety - Date Rape (or Acquaintance Rape) accounts for roughly 85 percent of all rapes. A few cautionary examples:

SWM, 6'2", 200 lbs., Intellectual, and Romantic - The online personal ad reads like many a woman's dream – an intellectual former librarian who traveled the world and loves music, literature, water sports, yoga and women. "I'm a compassionate, 6' 2", 200 lbs., athletic guy who enjoys Mediterranean food, poetry, and baroque music," reads the posting. "I'd like to get to know you and share interests, experiences and whatever else destiny permits," says the ad, which includes a flattering photograph of him smiling and posing casually at a table. ... What the ad doesn't mention is that the author is also a two-time killer who used hammers to fatally bludgeon two ex-girlfriends. Former librarian William Coday also doesn't reveal online that he is waiting to find out if a jury will recommend he get the death penalty or life in prison for the latest murder.
Excerpted from The South Florida Sun-Sentinel – 07 May 2002

The 13-year-old victim was gang raped inside a park restroom. The girl had gone to the park after accepting a ride home from school from four males, at least one of whom she knew, the detective said. ... At the park, the five joined a group of about 15 other males who were drinking beer and vodka and smoking marijuana. At some point, the men forced the girl to drink vodka, then dragged her into the women's restroom, where she was repeatedly raped.
Excerpted from The Pasadena Star-News – 14 July 2005

"Rico" Turner met the victim one night at a tavern. Since he didn't have a car, he asked if she'd drop him off at his house. She had plans with friends later, but agreed, since he said he lived close by. She had no idea he was leading her to a dark site on a dead-end road. And there – threatening to kill her if she didn't comply with his sexual demands – Turner brandished a box cutter, slashed her hand when she tried to grab it and prevented her from driving off. Then when she attempted to run, he caught up with her and dragged her to a grassy area behind her car and brutally raped her.
Excerpted from The Centre View Connection (VA) – 08 July 2004

Sarah, a college freshman anxious to meet new friends, gladly accepted an invitation to a party. Too young to legally drink alcohol, she insisted on drinking soda instead. She drank a few sips then left it unattended while she danced, finishing it afterward. She can't remember anything after that.

She was the victim of a common crime: the spiking of a woman's drink with drugs as a prelude to rape – oftentimes gang rape. Some rapists will also drug a woman's boyfriend to get him out of the way.

The wide variety of date rape drugs usually make you feel abnormally intoxicated, such as heaviness in limbs, nausea, dizziness, losing peripheral vision then consciousness, memory blackouts – and possibly death.

These odorless, tasteless drugs can be sprinkled into a woman's drink if she glances away for even a moment – or dripped from an eyedropper (even bartenders are often arrested). Don’t accept a drink from an open container or a stranger. Don’t leave your drink while dancing or playing pool, don’t rely on a friend to watch your drink for you, and don’t think putting a napkin over your glass protects you. Keep your glass in your hand at all times. If you have any doubt, pour it out. And don't accept a cigarette – they, too, can be drugged.

Natalee Holloway Investigation Reopened
Hidden camera footage broadcast in the Netherlands showed Dutch student Joran Van der Sloot saying he was with Natalee Holloway when she collapsed on a beach in Aruba. He said he believed she was dead and asked a friend to dump her body in the sea. "She'll never be found," he said. Holloway, 18, vanished in May 2005. ... In the recordings, Van der Sloot said Holloway was drunk and that she began shaking and slumped down on the beach as the pair were making out. Suddenly she started shaking and then she didn't say anything. ... He said he panicked and tried but failed to revive her. He said that Holloway looked dead but that he could not be sure she was not still alive when the friend took her away. ... Holloway, of Mountain Brook AL, was last seen in public leaving a bar with Van der Sloot and two Surinamese brothers - Deepak and Satish Kalpoe - hours before she was due to go home.
Excerpted from TV’s America’s Most Wanted (amw.com) / Associated Press – 19 February 2008 [Ms. Holloway made a common mistake: drinking without a sober girlfriend nearby to protect her.]

Beware of guys drinking. Alcohol and drugs weakened 90 percent of women date rape victims. Eat plenty of food while limiting drinks to one or two per hour. Go to parties with girlfriends, watch out for each other, and leave together – not with a new beau. One of you should be the "Sober Sister." If you’re alone, don’t announce that you’re walking home. Have taxi money for a ride home. If you, your date, a girlfriend, or if you see any woman exhibit any of the above symptoms, get help immediately and call 911.

College women are more likely to be raped than other women their age, and they're less likely to report it. They're in greatest danger during the first few weeks of freshman year, according to the U.S. Department of Justice. And yet colleges continue to sell themselves as safe places. They're too afraid to say the truth. ... Phyllis Barkhurst, of the state attorney general's office, described two types of rapists on college campuses. One is the sex offender, who gets a thrill from forcing sex. The other is what she calls the "I'm-gonna-have-sex offender," someone who doesn't see himself as a rapist. ... It's the guy who targets freshmen women who are new to campus, afraid of getting a bad reputation and unlikely to press charges. Sometimes it's the guy who uses the memory-erasing date rape drug. ... If colleges were honest, they'd send letters to parents of incoming freshmen women and explain the prevalence of sexual assault on all campuses. But most colleges fear the blow to their reputation from being the only one to tell the truth. Funny; that's exactly how students feel who are raped.
Excerpted from The Oregonian – 21 November 2004. (See Security On Campus at www.securityoncampus.org to help you choose a safer school or be more aware of the risks at the school you're attending.

In the late 1960’s, John Norman Collins, a handsome Ann Arbor, Michigan college student, went to parks to meet young women and take them for motorcycle rides. He tortured and murdered them all. Yet today young women still often meet handsome young men and go wandering off with them. A chance encounter may quickly become an impromptu date with the woman too enthralled to think about security. That is precisely what predators count on. Instead, women must plan ahead.

Kelly was thrilled when a guy at her gym asked her out. Her girlfriend’s envy added to her exhilaration. Kelly’s dad, a police detective, ran a background check and learned he had been convicted of rape. Kelly canceled the date.

Right from the start women must take control and keep it. Begin by screening your prospective date. Even if you’ve seen him around or some of your friends seem to know him, he’s still a virtual stranger to you. He could be a serial date rapist whose victims never pressed charges. This uniquely traumatic crime causes most women to never report date rape to the police – thus a date rapist rapes again and again until someone finally stops him.

Know his full name, address, phone number, what he does, and who his friends are. Don’t reveal your phone number to a stranger. On your first date, meet him at a public place and have a friend with you (even momentarily) so he’ll know a witness has seen him. Don't allow yourself to be isolated with someone you don't know or trust. Know the level of intimacy you want in a relationship, and clearly tell him your limits.

Use taxis to get around – not cars, especially not his car. Pay your own expenses so he doesn’t think you owe him anything. Take an active role in deciding how the date will be spent. Don’t go anywhere with him unless he knows you’ve told others. Make him earn your trust. Stay sober. Always be ready to end the date early – better sooner than later – and always have a true escape route.

If using a dating service, keep your phone number private by placing the ad yourself rather than responding to one. Do not believe the dating service’s claims of screening clients. Criminals lie! See the sex-offender web sites below to check his background. But they're not totally reliable - and he may be using phony ID.

College applicants don't receive psychological screening, but experts said there are no reliable tests that predict criminal behavior. "Unfortunately, it's just not that easy," said Sharon Tagaling Hagan, with the California Bureau of Investigation. It's a mistake to assume that an intelligent person is somehow less likely to rape. "Intelligence has very little to do with sex," she said. ... From the man's perspective, sex is a game, and women who say "no" don't really mean it. The man probably had experiences in which a woman initially said "no" then changed her mind. Therefore, he sees resistance as an integral part of the dance. "Most offenders don't interpret crying as resistance. In some cases, he'll feel horrible afterward "and would never do that again," Hagan said. ... Other offenders believe that's how sex works, and if they get away with it once, they will be more inclined to do it again. That's one reason women must report their rapes, Hagan said.
Excerpted from The Rocky Mountain News (Denver) – 10 May 2003 [Schools don’t check criminal history, either, and readily enroll violent ex-cons and sex offenders.]

He’s usually a selfish egomaniac, really likes violence in movies and sports, and using alcohol or drugs. He lacks respect for other people - especially women, and you may notice he’s a bully or perhaps cruel to animals. He struts and swaggers as a “macho man,” has a sexist attitude, and never hesitates to selfishly impose his preferences on others. Some guys have all these flaws yet still get dates because they’re handsome, wealthy, or athletic.

Most men do indeed control their frustrated lust when women want to limit sexual activity. A man ignoring a woman’s clear refusal tends to confuse her and make her reluctant to fight – especially since date rapists are more likely to pin down women rather than strike or choke her. Nevertheless, womn have every right to defend themselves with whatever severity is necessary (see Ultimate Rape Prevention, and Fighting Options - Overview).

Early warning signs: staring at you, standing too close, touching you freely and suddenly, blocking your way and following you, enjoying your discomfort, ignoring what you say, calling you names you don’t like, using foul language, thinking he’s smarter than you, becoming angry when you disagree with him, and being rude and demanding of waitresses and women in general. In all, they usually display pushy, menacing, dominating behavior. Yet other date rapists seem as sweet as can be until they get you alone. Any talk or behavior that makes you uncomfortable should be addressed immediately – too many rape victims were too "nice."

Kissing and hugging, even flirting, might be seen as your consent to full sexual intercourse. Since many men tend to misinterpret women’s feelings, and some women tend to send mixed messages, be sure to send clear and firm messages – both verbal and non-verbal. Hints do not work! Make your feelings known loud and clear. He can't read your mind. If he’s doing something to you that you don't like, say so!

When it comes to legal autonomy, a woman's body is no different than her house. Do not enter means do not enter. Think of it this way: If you invite someone onto your front porch, then into your kitchen, then decide it's time for him or her to leave, that person has no right to say, “Well, you let me in, so I'm going to take a bath now.'' Likewise, one form of sexual contact doesn't automatically excuse another.
Excerpted from a Miami Herald article by Linda Robertson – 02 August 2003

It’s often difficult to spoil the mood of a date by denying him his lust. But no matter how passionate you’ve allowed intimacy to become, you always have the right to change your mind and say “No” or “Stop” at any point. Just make it very clear to him that you’ve absolutely decided “NO” for sure. Remember that you're not obligated to fulfill any prior expectations and should not feel guilty for opposing his desires. Be very sure of this so you’ll firmly safeguard your rights and also avoid confusing yourself – or confusing him.

Once a woman emphaticly tells a man a definite "NO" and makes it very clear that she wants all sexual activity to stop, any further physical advance by the man becomes sexual assault. Tell him to stop touching or threatening you or you’ll call the police. It’s at that point that you have the right to defend yourself as necessary. You don’t need to eye-gouge him for a mild offense or otherwise overreact. Match your response to the degree of threat. Date rapists tend to be less violent than stranger rapists and rely more on physical coercion such as pinning down women. Save your most ferocious strikes for when the situation becomes desperate.

Many date rape crimes occur in cars. See Kidnapping and Kidnap Survival. Also, see Surviving the Worst, Ultimate Rape Prevention, and Fighting Options - Overview.

For convenience, learn self-defense ONLINE for women's safety:

KRAV MAGA, a practical self-defense system used by many police forces worldwide, teaches you to defend yourself, enhances your survival instinct, and can be applied under extreme stress. It's not flashy, just very effective. I highly recommend it. The Krav Maga TV - Online Training videos are especially convenient to learn at home when your schedule allows or if you don't live near a training center.

• Beauty Bites Beast: Awakening the Warrior Within Women and Girls by Ellen Snortland. Trilogy Books 1998.
• The Date Rape Prevention Book by Scott Lindquist. Sourcebooks 2000.
• The Feminine Warrior: A Woman’s Guide to Empowerment by Al Marrewa. Kensington 1998.

Contacts
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) www.rainn.org
• National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline www.loveisrespect.org
• National Center for Victims of Crime www.ncvc.org

Background Checks for women's safety
Find out if someone was ever in a U.S. federal prison (assuming he’s using his real name) by calling 202-307-3126; or a state prison for a sex crime at www.fbi.gov. Or see www.CriminalSearches.com website (no fee). It also shows a map with names of anyone arrested in a specific neighborhood, and sends you e-mail alerts when someone in your life is arrested or someone with a criminal record moves in nearby. ... However, the above sources are often incomplete, and there’s no way to distinguish between people with the same name if you don’t know their birthdays (and even that date is often missing). Nevertheless, you can always hire a private detective – a simple background check usually costs $50-100.

Go to
• Women’s Safety - Overview
• Date Rape (or “Acquaintance Rape”): hidden risks, date rapist profiles, early warning signs, controlling a date, and escaping a threat. (YOU’RE NOW ON THIS PAGE)
• Stalking: stalker profiles, early warning signs, and escaping a stalker.
• Domestic Violence (or Relationship Violence): batterer's profiles, early warning signs, understanding the psycho-dynamics of both batterer and victim, and escaping.
• Recap & Resources: a summary of this Women's Safety section.
• Personal Security Products

For overall rape prevention strategies – both acquaintance and stranger – see Rape Escape Options - Overview and especially Ultimate Rape Prevention.

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