Women's Safety
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Overview

Domestic Violence, the most common violation of women's safety, is also a catch-all term for various related issues: Domestic Abuse, Relationship Violence, and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) that involve elder abuse, teen abuse, sibling abuse, and emotional violence. These pages focus on violent relationships, primarily intimate partner violence, between couples living together as well as teens and adults who are dating.

The wife of cycling champion Stephen Pate was driven to bring charges against him by 17 years of beatings and verbal abuse. She described a chilling ritual Pate would follow each time he prepared to beat her. "He would send the children to their room and then walk around the house closing the windows and blinds and shutting the doors so that the neighbours couldn't hear," she said. Joanne said Pate was usually sorry after the bashings, but the apology was double-edged. "It was always my fault," she said. ... Joanne was disappointed that Pate's violence was described in court as a crime of passion carried out by a man depressed by missing selection for the Sydney Olympics. "Missing out on the Olympic team did make him angry, but then everything made Stephen angry," she said. ... She said she had finally decided to press charges after a particularly violent night last November when he had held a knife to her throat. Asked why she didn't fight back or leave, Joanne said: "I had nowhere to go and I knew if I fought back, he would hit me harder." ... Pate expects to be released soon. Asked if that news frightened her, Joanne said he would go back to jail if he went near her. "Whether that, in the heat of the moment, will stop him when something upsets him, I don't know," she said.
Excerpted from The Melbourne Courier-Mail (Australia) – 18 May 2003

Of the three types of batterers, the first type rarely assaults his partner and is remorseful for long periods afterward, promising to change. Though the level of violence usually doesn’t escalate over time, he almost certainly will erupt again when his frustrations rise again.

The second type is dependent on his partner, thus he fears abandonment and desperately needs to control her. His levels of violence escalate over time, which is an indicator of eventual murder.

The third type, especially dangerous, is a psychopath prone to hair-trigger violence toward others – which escalates over time. Sudden, violent, irrational outbursts are the strongest indicator of eventual murder.

The second and third types are the most likely to stalk their victims when they flee. But that's NO reason to stay with him – it's a reason to get experts to help you escape.

Los Angeles police said an attacker eluded officers watching an apartment and killed a woman who had just filed a domestic violence complaint against him. ... Police counseled Flor Medrano about seeking a restraining order and going to a domestic violence shelter, but she declined to press charges and wanted to go home. ... Police were on the lookout for the man after they returned her to her apartment, checked to make sure the apartment was safe, and then stayed outside in their unmarked car to watch for the suspect. ... When the officers later tried to check on Medrano via cellphone and heard screaming, they rushed to the apartment and saw a man stabbing Medrano. ... Unable to gain entry through a security door, the officers fired through a front window, fatally wounding the attacker. ... The man had scaled the roof of the apartment building and entered through a small rear bathroom window.
Excerpted from The Los Angeles Times – 13 November 2009

This is an extreme example, but shows the importance of following the advice of the police and of the Contacts listed below – just in case.

The Downward Spiral

"Abuse is a systematic process where the woman's self esteem and self worth is torn down and then the woman is isolated from anybody who can help her. The batterer breaks down the self esteem to the point that the victim feels she can't do any better or don't know any better. Many times they feel like they're literally going crazy because every decision they make they're told is not right and that they're stupid. There are some real barriers out there that women have to overcome when seeking help," said Camille Dorris, director of The Women's Center in Carbondale IL.
Excerpted from The Southern Illinoisian – 03 August 2003

Like the typical rapist or stalker, the typical batterer has delusions of entitlement to women – feeling he has the right to enslave his victim. Often, a batterer begins by eroding her self-esteem by belittling her with subtle humiliations. Then he starts using threats and displays of violence to control her – such as smashing objects, often things precious to her, even hurting her pet animals. Next are pushing, slapping, and restraining. Finally come the punching, kicking, choking, and clubbing that may result in her death. The man of her dreams has become her nightmare.

It can be difficult for many people to understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship, but there are many reasons. Strong emotional and psychological forces keep the victim tied to the abuser. Situational factors, such as a lack of money, may keep the victim from leaving. Some examples of what victims face when trying to leave the relationship are: psychological and economic entrapment, isolation and lack of social support, religious and cultural values, threats and intimidation over custody or separation, immigration status or disabilities and lack of housing. ... Knowing or suspecting someone is in an abusive relationship can be hard. Whether it’s a friend, neighbor or family member, it can be difficult to know what to do or say. You can make a difference in that person’s life, but you need to approach him/her without passing judgment.
Excerpted from The Jamestown Post Journal (NY) – 05 October 2007

Only five percent of the 2,500 battered-woman’s shelters in the U.S. accept women with children. A mother fears losing custody rights if she flees without her children – and also fears leaving them behind with a violent man. Moreover, her pet animals may be hurt in revenge. She's damned if she flees and may be doomed if she doesn't.

Adding insult to injury, some people condemn a woman for being crazy or stupid when she doesn't leave her abuser, returns to him after escaping, or refuses to testify against him in court. The bitter irony of this injustice is blaming the baffled victim for perpetuating the crime.

She stays due to fear of his stalking her, her lack of a true escape route, and her undying hope against hope that the man she loved and still loves will someday change and never abuse her again. She's trapped on a dark path with only a faint light in the distance.

The abuse will almost certainly get worse if you stay – but leaving may infuriate your abuser who may begin stalking you or harm those you love. This bewildering predicament is why you need expert counseling to support your efforts to escape the emotional and financial ties binding you to your abuser and to find a true escape route when you finally do flee. The abuse will continue until you decide enough is enough.

The vast majority of women who've survived battering have gone on to enjoy good lives. Your new life begins with a call to those who devote themselves to helping women in desperate situations. Call the Contacts listed below. They deal with all crimes against women. Get help!

Secretly, you must:
• Devise a code word to use with your children, family, and friends for when you need to call police but might not be able to say it.
• Develop an escape plan for you, your children, and your pets. Know where and how to go.
• Confide in a trusted friend, relative, or doctor.
• Gather all your important legal documents, extra money, spare keys, and a packed bag with essential clothing and medications. Hide them with a friend or relative.

Effective self-defense requires that the attacker be disabled enough to allow the victim's escape. That creates a dilemma for a woman defending herself from a batterer with whom she’s emotionally entangled. Confusion may render her immobile, irrational, or ineffective.

It’s crucial that if you do fight back and stun or defeat your attacker then you must immediately escape and seek the police in order to avoid his retaliation when he recovers. Take control and keep it. In addition, don’t let him see the fighting techniques in Fighting Options - Overview.

Make it clear to the police that you meant only to stop him from hurting you - in self-defense. Beyond that, shut your mouth! – except to ask to be taken to a hospital. The adrenaline of the attack might have masked your injuries. Make sure the doctors document and photograph all your injuries. Say nothing more until you speak to a counselor from a woman's shelter.

Women who’ve survived battering and have taken self-defense classes report that the classes are life changing. See Rape Escape Options - Defense Class. Also see Rescuing a Battered Woman from Relationship Violence in Outdoor Safety - Rescuing.

Learn self defense ONLINE

KRAV MAGA, a practical self-defense system used by many police forces worldwide, teaches you to defend yourself, enhances your survival instinct, and can be applied under extreme stress. It's not flashy, just very effective. I highly recommend it. The Krav Maga TV - Online Training videos are especially convenient to learn at home when your schedule allows or if you don't live near a training center.

Women's Personal Safety Resources

Contacts
• Domestic Abused Women's Network (DAWN) www.dawnonline.org
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence www.ncadv.org
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) www.rainn.org

Background Checks for women's safety
Find out if someone was ever in a U.S. federal prison (assuming he’s using his real name) or a state prison for a sex crime at www.fbi.gov. Or see www.CriminalSearches.com website (no fee). It also shows a map with names of anyone arrested in a specific neighborhood, and sends you e-mail alerts when someone in your life is arrested or someone with a criminal record moves in nearby. ... However, the above sources are often incomplete, and there’s no way to distinguish between people with the same name if you don’t know their birthdays (and even that date is often missing). Nevertheless, you can always hire a private detective – a simple background check usually costs $50-100.

Safety Tips for Women

For overall rape prevention strategies – both acquaintance and stranger – see Rape Escape Options - Overview and especially Rape Escape Options - Ultimate Rape Prevention.

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