Women's Safety
Domestic Violence

Women's Safety - Domestic Violence, by any other name - Domestic Abuse, Relationship Violence, or Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) – is just as ugly.

73 percent of Ohio State University students surveyed said they know someone who has been emotionally, physically or sexually assaulted. One in three students reported having been humiliated, pressured into having sex or hit by a loved one, mirroring concerns at campuses nationwide. ... Women ages 16 to 24 experience the highest per-capita rates of intimate violence. 33 percent said they have experienced an obsessive, jealous partner; 32 percent have been routinely ignored; 15 percent have been pressured into sex; and 14 percent have been stalked or harassed. About 13 percent reported having been pushed or shoved; 11 percent choked, hit or kicked; and 8 percent threatened with violence. ... Students surveyed said victims remain in violent relationships because of a fear of leaving, low self-esteem and emotional dependence.
Excerpted from The Columbus Dispatch – 26 September 2006

PROFILE of a TEEN ABUSER
• Jealous and controlling, he chooses your friends, checks on you, criticizes you, bosses you, demands sex, and makes all decisions while disregarding your opinion.
• Your family and friends worry about your safety, and he makes you nervous, too. Intimidating and threatening, he is quick-tempered, and has a history of fighting. He grabs or hits you and is too fond of alcohol or drugs.
• He speaks contemptuously of his ex-girlfriends, got too serious too soon about your relationship, and won’t accept breaking up.

HOW to ESCAPE – the SOONER, the BETTER
Countless women have ruined their lives by thinking their tender, loving care can mend such a troubled man. You cannot change him, but you can rescue yourself by getting away from him as soon as possible. Here's how:

• A woman's self-esteem, habits, and economic situation have an enormous impact on her decision to escape from a bad relationship, yet she can’t see clearly because she's up to her eyeballs in a rut. A counselor will help you step back and look at your life clearly.
• Make sure you have absolutely decided to end the relationship for once and for all. Realize that you’re not obligated to fulfill any prior expectations and shouldn’t feel guilty for opposing his desires. Be very sure of this so you’ll firmly safeguard your right of freedom and also avoid confusing yourself – or confusing him.
• Tell your friends, family, teachers, coaches, and security guards that you're going to break up with him. They will be your support network and help screen calls and visits as well as escort you through your daily schedule.
• Break up with him in a public place with your support network nearby.
• Don’t “let him down easy” or he’ll think you’re not sure and might change your mind. Clearly reject him, but avoid giving specific reasons because he’ll challenge each one. Remain calm and polite. The key is carefully balancing between never insulting him yet never being warm to him either. Simply say, "Our relationship is no longer working for me. I no longer want to be with you, and I know I won’t change my mind.” Period. Do not apologize. Do not discuss old arguments. Do not negotiate – and clearly expect a proper response. End the conversation. (You might rehearse a script you've carefully written with the help of a counselor.)
• Trust your intuition. If you feel you're in danger, get help immediately.

24 percent of teen women suffer partner abuse and rarely turn to their parents for help. Now you can chat one-on-one with trained peer volunteers 24-hours-a-day at National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline (NTDAH) at www.loveisrespect.org. They help women worldwide break the vicious cycle. Your life needn’t be a common tragedy, such as:

She was shot above the right eye with a .22-caliber, hollow-point bullet. Most of the bullet fragments are still inside her head. Her husband is in jail awaiting trial. "Don't stay with a violent man," she said. "I kept excusing his violence.”
Excerpted from The Wilmington Star-News (NC) – 04 May 2004

Domestic violence is a crime that affects up to 50 percent of American women. Although most people understand domestic violence as a punch or slap, it is actually a pattern of physical assaults, threats and coercive behaviors used to maintain control over a current or former intimate partner. ... These can be ongoing verbal, emotional, sexual, physical, psychological and economic abuse. While stress and anger may seem to cause domestic violence, this is not the case. Domestic violence is caused by the perceived right of one person to dominate another. Typically, it gets worse over time. ... Nationally, half of all homeless women and children are fleeing domestic violence. Attempts to leave may be perceived as a threat to the abuser's control, and killing her may be the only way to maintain control.
Excerpted from The Seattle Post Intelligencer – 30 April 2003

A lot of red flags that would indicate violence went up for Rita in her relationship with her common-law husband. She ignored them, saying he had such a charm about him it was almost hypnotizing. “He let me get comfortable with him. He knew what I wanted to hear and could smell the vulnerability,” she said. “He would tell me no one loves you but me. He won my trust.” ... She said he started mentally abusing her, then the abuse became physical. The abuse went from pushing her around to accelerating the car they were in to 90 mph and asking her if she was ready to die. ... It escalated to his slapping, biting, and burning her with cigarettes to throwing a knife at her head. She said he even held her down and cut her with a piece of glass 97 times. Rita said she believed she had no place to go where he couldn’t find her. Her family tried to help and she even left the state for awhile, but she couldn’t stay away. She called it an addiction. ... A friend who lived nearby tried to help, often calling the police, but Rita wouldn’t press charges against her abuser. Eventually, he beat her within an inch of her life and she decided to get out.
Excerpted from The Daily Home (Talladega AL) – 28 December 2002

Like the teen abuser, an adult batterer is abusive in general, has a quick temper, wildly unpredictable mood swings, threatens, and sometimes rages. Or, jealously suspicious and prying, he’ll pop up unexpectedly to check on you. He's quick to accuse or blame you for almost anything, and is basically scornful of most women.

The wife of cycling champion Stephen Pate was driven to bring charges against him by 17 years of beatings and verbal abuse. She described a chilling ritual Pate would follow each time he prepared to beat her. "He would send the children to their room and then walk around the house closing the windows and blinds and shutting the doors so that the neighbours couldn't hear," she said. Joanne said Pate was usually sorry after the bashings, but the apology was double-edged. "It was always my fault," she said. ... Joanne was disappointed that Pate's violence was described in court as a crime of passion carried out by a man depressed by missing selection for the Sydney Olympics. "Missing out on the Olympic team did make him angry, but then everything made Stephen angry," she said. ... She said she had finally decided to press charges after a particularly violent night last November when he had held a knife to her throat. Asked why she didn't fight back or leave, Joanne said: "I had nowhere to go and I knew if I fought back, he would hit me harder." ... Pate expects to be released soon. Asked if that news frightened her, Joanne said he would go back to jail if he went near her. "Whether that, in the heat of the moment, will stop him when something upsets him, I don't know," she said.
Excerpted from The Melbourne Courier-Mail (Australia) – 18 May 2003

Of the three types of batterers, the first type rarely assaults his partner and is remorseful for long periods afterward, promising to change. Though the level of violence usually doesn’t escalate over time, he almost certainly will erupt again when his frustrations rise again.

The second type is dependent on his partner, thus he fears abandonment and desperately needs to control her. His levels of violence escalate over time, which is an indicator of eventual murder.

The third type, especially dangerous, is a psychopath prone to hair-trigger violence toward others – which escalates over time. Sudden, violent, irrational outbursts are the strongest indicator of eventual murder.

The second and third types are the most likely to stalk their victims when they flee [but that's no reason to stay – it's reason to get experts (see the Contacts listed below) to help you flee].

Relationship violence against women crosses all demographic lines: any age, class, religion, ethnicity, gender, sexual orientation, and geographic location – including the partners of doctors, lawyers, cops, judges, and preachers. Since it’s often hushed up because of fear, shame, and a perverse desire to protect the batterer, overall statistics are sketchy. But a 2000 Department of Justice survey found that “25 percent of women (and 8 percent of men) reported they’d been assaulted by an intimate partner during their lifetime.”

Other studies show that up to half of all women treated in hospital emergency rooms are there because of violent relationships; one-third of all women murder victims are killed by an intimate partner; and one-quarter to one-half of all women's suicides are linked to relationship violence.

If I tried to leave him, he said he’d kill me.” Those were the words allegedly spoken by 23-year-old missing mother of two, Stacy Peterson, to a friend and neighbor about a threat her 53-year-old husband Drew Peterson made. ... On Oct. 26, Stacy told Drew she wanted a divorce. Two days later she was gone. Her policeman husband suggests that she has left for personal reasons in the past, and that he suspects she has either run off on her own or run away with an unnamed man. No evidence of either scenario has yet been discovered. ... What is it, though, in Sgt. Peterson’s background that would make him any more of a person of interest in his wife’s disappearance than the statistical probability ascribed to any other spouse or partner of a missing person? ... Stacy Peterson told relatives she was afraid of her husband. Sgt. Peterson had allegedly monitored and limited his current wife’s telephone and social contacts, “watching her every move,” even to the extent of allegedly following her as she went to class at a local college. He previously refused to allow her to visit her sister in a nearby community and had allegedly threatened her on more than one occasion.
Excerpted from MSNBC – 13 November 2007

“Domestic violence can be deadly. But women who have lived with abuse may believe the abuse will continue to hurt – but not kill. Here are some questions victims can ask themselves to assess the risk of being killed:
• Has the abuser threatened to kill you, your children, himself or your family members, or fantasized about killing?
• Does the abuser own weapons? Threaten you with them? Abuse or kill pets?
• Does the abuser believe he owns you? See you as the center of the universe? Believe he can’t live without you?
• Is the abuser acutely depressed or abuse drugs or alcohol? Has his or her behavior changed a lot recently?
• Can the abuser find you? Has he ever taken you hostage?
• Has he been served with a [restraining] order or divorce papers? Have you told the abuser you are leaving?
Experts emphasize that even if the answer to most of these questions is ‘no,’ a person can still be in danger, especially when trying to leave an abusive relationship.”
Excerpted from The Detroit Free Press – 06 March 2002.

A partner, or ex-partner, who may be inclined to commit a violent act may exhibit some of the following warning signs:
• A feeling of helplessness or loss of control in the relationship.
• The loss of perspective, where the person begins to over-interpret what his or her partner says or does.
• Isolation from friends and family and a loss of interest in other people and activities.
Signs that your partner or ex-partner may become violent:
• A history of prior domestic violence.
• Ongoing substance abuse.
• Actual or threatened suicide attempts.
• A growing and unhealthy dependence upon you, in which he or she excludes their friends and activities, and becomes focused on you exclusively.
Excerpted from The Detroit Free Press – 17 April 2008

London – The number of "domestic" homicides in the capital has fallen in the past 11 months. Scotland Yard believes the drop is largely due to a new early-warning system that uses six factors or pointers that help their officers identify would-be "domestic" killers before they commit murder. The Indicators:
1. Pregnancy: Violence increases if the victim is pregnant or has recently given birth. Research shows that 30 per cent of domestic violence starts or can intensify with pregnancy.
2. Stalking: Heightened risk is indicated if the suspect displays obsessive controlling behaviour, such as watching, following and frequent telephoning of partners or former partners.
3. Sexual assault: If the woman has been attacked sexually then the perpetrator is likely to commit an even more serious offence.
4. Increase in violence: A rise in the severity or frequency of assault indicates greater risk.
5. Custody: If the woman is involved in a dispute over contact with a child or is trying to end a relationship, she is more at risk.
6. Cultural restraint: If the woman is from a culture where contact with society and police is restricted, then any call for help must be given added weight.
Excerpted from The Independent (UK) – 11 February 2005

THE DOWNWARD SPIRAL

"Abuse is a systematic process where the woman's self esteem and self worth is torn down and then the woman is isolated from anybody who can help her. The batterer breaks down the self esteem to the point that the victim feels she can't do any better or don't know any better. Many times they feel like they're literally going crazy because every decision they make they're told is not right and that they're stupid. There are some real barriers out there that women have to overcome when seeking help," said Camille Dorris, director of The Women's Center in Carbondale IL.
Excerpted from The Southern Illinoisian – 03 August 2003

Like the typical rapist or stalker, the typical batterer has delusions of entitlement to women – feeling he has the right to enslave his victim. Often, a batterer begins by eroding her self-esteem by belittling her with subtle humiliations. Then he starts using threats and displays of violence to control her – such as smashing objects, often things precious to her, even hurting her pet animals. Next are pushing, slapping, and restraining. Finally come the punching, kicking, choking, and clubbing that may result in her death. The man of her dreams has become her nightmare.

It can be difficult for many people to understand why a person would stay in an abusive relationship, but there are many reasons. Strong emotional and psychological forces keep the victim tied to the abuser. Situational factors, such as a lack of money, may keep the victim from leaving. Some examples of what victims face when trying to leave the relationship are: psychological and economic entrapment, isolation and lack of social support, religious and cultural values, threats and intimidation over custody or separation, immigration status or disabilities and lack of housing. ... Knowing or suspecting someone is in an abusive relationship can be hard. Whether it’s a friend, neighbor or family member, it can be difficult to know what to do or say. You can make a difference in that person’s life, but you need to approach him/her without passing judgment.
Excerpted from The Jamestown Post Journal (NY) – 05 October 2007

Only five percent of the 2,500 battered-women’s shelters in the U.S. accept women with children. A mother fears losing custody rights if she flees without her children – and also fears leaving them behind with a violent man. Moreover, her pet animals may be hurt in revenge. She's damned if she flees and may be doomed if she doesn't.

Adding insult to injury, some people condemn a woman for being crazy or stupid when she doesn't leave her abuser, returns to him after escaping, or refuses to testify against him in court. The bitter irony of this injustice is blaming the baffled victim for perpetuating the crime.

She stays due to fear of his stalking her, her lack of a true escape route, and her undying hope against hope that the man she loved and still loves will someday change and never abuse her again. She's trapped on a dark path with only a faint light in the distance.

The abuse will almost certainly get worse if you stay – but leaving may infuriate your abuser who may begin stalking you or harm those you love. This bewildering predicament is why you need expert counseling to support your efforts to escape the emotional and financial ties binding you to your abuser and to find a true escape route when you finally do flee. The abuse will continue until you decide enough is enough.

The vast majority of women who've survived battering have gone on to enjoy good lives. Your new life begins with a call to those who devote themselves to helping women in desperate situations. Call the Contacts listed below. They deal with all crimes against women. Get help!

Secretly, you must:
• Devise a code word to use with your children, family, and friends for when you need to call police but might not be able to say it.
• Develop an escape plan for you, your children, and your pets. Know where and how to go.
• Confide in a trusted friend, relative, or doctor.
• Gather all your important legal documents, extra money, spare keys, and a packed bag with essential clothing and medications. Hide them with a friend or relative.

Effective self-defense requires that the attacker be disabled enough to allow the victim's escape. That creates a dilemma for a woman defending herself from a batterer with whom she’s emotionally entangled. Confusion may render her immobile, irrational, or ineffective.

It’s crucial that if you do fight back and stun or defeat your attacker then you must immediately escape and seek the police in order to avoid his retaliation when he recovers. Take control and keep it. In addition, don’t let him see the fighting techniques in Fighting Options - Overview.

Make it clear to the police that you meant only to stop him from hurting you - in self-defense. Beyond that, shut your mouth! – except to ask to be taken to a hospital. The adrenaline of the attack might have masked your injuries. Make sure the doctors document and photograph all your injuries. Say nothing more until you speak to a counselor from a woman's shelter.

Women who’ve survived battering and have taken self-defense classes report that the classes are life changing. See Choosing a Defense Class. Also see Rescuing a Battered Woman from Relationship Violence in Rescuing a Victim Safely.

For convenience, learn self-defense ONLINE for women's safety:

KRAV MAGA, a practical self-defense system used by many police forces worldwide, teaches you to defend yourself, enhances your survival instinct, and can be applied under extreme stress. It's not flashy, just very effective. I highly recommend it. The Krav Maga TV - Online Training videos are especially convenient to learn at home when your schedule allows or if you don't live near a training center.

Contacts
• Domestic Abused Women's Network (DAWN) www.dawnonline.org
• National Center for Victims of Crime www.ncvc.org
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence www.dawnonline.org
• National Teen Dating Abuse Helpline www.loveisrespect.org
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) www.rainn.org

Background Checks for women's safety
Find out if someone was ever in a U.S. federal prison (assuming he’s using his real name) by calling 202-307-3126; or a state prison for a sex crime at www.fbi.gov. Or see www.CriminalSearches.com website (no fee). It also shows a map with names of anyone arrested in a specific neighborhood, and sends you e-mail alerts when someone in your life is arrested or someone with a criminal record moves in nearby. ... However, the above sources are often incomplete, and there’s no way to distinguish between people with the same name if you don’t know their birthdays (and even that date is often missing). Nevertheless, you can always hire a private detective – a simple background check usually costs $50-100.

Go to
• Women’s Safety - Overview
• Date Rape (or “Acquaintance Rape”): hidden risks, date rapist profiles, early warning signs, controlling a date, and escaping a threat.
• Stalking: stalker profiles, early warning signs, and escaping a stalker.
• Domestic Violence (or Relationship Violence): batterer's profiles, early warning signs, understanding the psycho-dynamics of both batterer and victim, and escaping. (YOU’RE NOW ON THIS PAGE)
• Recap & Resources: a summary of this Women's Safety section.
• Personal Security Products

For overall rape prevention strategies – both acquaintance and stranger – see Rape Escape Options - Overview and especially Ultimate Rape Prevention. Also see Fighting Options - Overview

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