Women's Safety
DOMESTIC VIOLENCE
Overview

Domestic Violence, the most common violation of women's safety, is also a catch-all term for various related issues: Domestic Abuse, Relationship Violence, and Intimate Partner Violence (IPV) that involve elder abuse, teen abuse, sibling abuse, and emotional violence. These pages focus on violent relationships, primarily intimate partner violence, between couples living together as well as teens and adults who are dating.

Australian cycling champion Stephen Pate ritually beat his wife, Joanne, for 17 years. He'd send the children to their room and then close the doors and windows for secrecy. He'd apologize after the bashings, but still it was always "her fault." She finally pressed charges after a particularly violent night when he held a knife to her throat.

Of the three types of batterers, the first type rarely assaults his partner and is remorseful for long periods afterward, promising to change. Though the level of violence usually doesn’t escalate over time, he almost certainly will erupt again when his frustrations rise again.

The second type is dependent on his partner, thus he fears abandonment and desperately needs to control her. His levels of violence escalate over time, which is an indicator of eventual murder.

The third type, especially dangerous, is a psychopath prone to hair-trigger violence toward others – which escalates over time. Sudden, violent, irrational outbursts are the strongest indicator of eventual murder.

The second and third types are the most likely to stalk their victims when they flee. But that's NO reason to stay with him – it's a reason to get experts to help you escape.

Flor Medrano asked Los Angeles police about getting a restraining order and going to a domestic violence shelter, but she decided against it. Officers drove her home, checked the apartment, and then stood guard outside in their unmarked car. They later heard screaming, rushed to the apartment and saw a man stabbing Medrano. They fatally shot him through a front window, though too late to save Medrano. The man had climbed the rear of the apartment building and entered through a bathroom window.

This is an extreme example, but shows the unpredictable nature of domestic violence.

The Downward Spiral

Domestic abusers tear down the victim's self esteem and cut her off from anybody who can help her. The victim feels she can't do or know any better. They often feel like they're going crazy because every decision they make they're told that they're stupid. There are serious barriers that victims have to overcome when seeking help.

Like the typical rapist or stalker, the typical batterer has delusions of entitlement to women – feeling he has the right to enslave his victim. Often, a batterer begins by eroding her self-esteem by belittling her with subtle humiliations. Then he starts using threats and displays of violence to control her – such as smashing objects, often things precious to her, even hurting her pet animals. Next are pushing, slapping, and restraining. Finally come the punching, kicking, choking, and clubbing that may result in her death. The man of her dreams has become her nightmare.

Why would a victim stay in an abusive relationship? It seems to defy logic, but there are many reasons: psychological and economic entrapment, isolation and lack of social support, religious and cultural values, intimidation over custody of children and pets, immigration status, disabilities, lack of housing, threats to hunt her down.

Only five percent of the 2,500 battered-woman’s shelters in the U.S. accept women with children. A mother fears losing custody rights if she flees without her children – and also fears leaving them behind with a violent man. Moreover, her pet animals may be hurt in revenge. She's damned if she flees and may be doomed if she doesn't.

Oftentimes when a victim begins the process of seeking a protection order, she’ll get dozens of badgering or threatening calls from the batterer, his friends, and his family. Sometimes her own family tells her the same thing. Too often, this pressures the victim into living with the abuse and suffering in silence.

Adding insult to injury, some people condemn a woman as crazy or stupid when she doesn't leave her abuser, returns to him after escaping, or refuses to testify against him in court. The bitter irony of this injustice is blaming the baffled victim for perpetuating the crime.

She stays due to fear of his stalking her, her lack of a true escape route, and her undying hope against hope that the man she loved and still loves will someday change and never abuse her again. She's trapped on a dark path with only a faint light in the distance.

The abuse will almost certainly get worse if you stay – but leaving may infuriate your abuser who may begin stalking you or harm those you love. This bewildering predicament is why you need expert counseling to support your efforts to escape the emotional and financial ties binding you to your abuser and to find a true escape route when you finally do flee. The abuse will continue until you decide enough is enough.

The vast majority of women who've survived battering have gone on to enjoy good lives. Your new life begins with a call to those who devote themselves to helping women in desperate situations. Call the Contacts listed below. They deal with all crimes against women. Get help!

Secretly, you must:
• Devise a code word to use with your children, family, and friends for when you need to call police but might not be able to say it.
• Develop an escape plan for you, your children, and your pets. Know where and how to go.
• Confide in a trusted friend, relative, or doctor.
• Gather all your important legal documents, extra money, spare keys, and a packed bag with essential clothing and medications. Hide them with a friend or relative.

Effective self-defense requires that the attacker be disabled enough to allow the victim's escape. That creates a dilemma for a woman defending herself from a batterer with whom she’s emotionally entangled. Confusion may render her immobile, irrational, or ineffective.

It’s crucial that if you do fight back and stun or defeat your attacker then you must immediately escape and seek the police in order to avoid his retaliation when he recovers. Take control and keep it. In addition, don’t let him see the fighting techniques in Fighting Options - Overview.

Make it clear to the police that you meant only to stop him from hurting you - in self-defense. Beyond that, shut your mouth! – except to ask to be taken to a hospital. The adrenaline of the attack might have masked your injuries. Make sure the doctors document and photograph all your injuries. Say nothing more until you speak to a counselor from a woman's shelter.

Women who’ve survived battering and have taken self-defense classes report that the classes are life changing. See Rape Escape Options - Defense Class. Also see Rescuing a Battered Woman from Relationship Violence in Outdoor Safety - Rescuing.

Women's Personal Safety Resources

Websites for women's safety
• National Coalition Against Domestic Violence www.ncadv.org
• RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) www.rainn.org
• Woman's Divorce - Abusive Relationships covers all aspects of what you need to set yourself free.

Safety Tips for Women

See Rape Escape Options - Overview and especially Rape Escape Options - Ultimate Rape Prevention.

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