Rape Escape Options:
Rape Survivors

Another Rape Escape Option is for a victim to escape from the lingering effects of a foul crime - for a victim to become a survivor, thriving stronger than ever by learning rape escape options for her future.

When she swung her new car into the parking lot and chose a space far from the brightly-lit entrance to the store, she wasn't thinking about her personal safety. She just didn't want her new car to get dinged. It wasn't her fault that a man was waiting in the shadows for someone just like her. ... She was raped, assaulted inside the very car she'd been trying to protect. And of all the terrible, hurtful things that happened to her that night, perhaps the worst was the words she heard spoken in her ear: "I picked you because you were so stupid. You parked over here in the dark away from everybody. You did it to yourself." Those words tortured the victim. But they weren't true. ... This is but one example of how most rape victims blame themselves and never report the crime, and helps explain why so many rapists remain free.
Excerpted from The Oklahoman (Oklahoma City) – 24 February 2002

Trauma caused by hostile intent rather than by accident or natural causes exacerbates the anguish by adding the memory of a willful infliction of injury upon the survivor. Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), when memories of traumatic events become stored in the part of the brain that controls "fight-or-flight" responses, causes sufferers to relive the event as if it is actually happening rather than being only a painful memory. PTSD may cause emotional blunting, behavioral problems, and suicidal tendencies. In addition, rape survivors may experience social withdrawal and exceptional difficulty with intimacy. All rape survivors should call the local rape crisis center for help - or the free rape escape resources listed in the Recap of Rape Escape.

Research shows that rape survivors commonly are blamed for the attack and can develop depression, anxiety, sexual problems and post-traumatic stress disorder. Negative reactions – from questioning the survivor about her behavior before or during the assault, telling her to "get over it," treating her differently, minimizing the experience or overreacting – are related to self-blame and PTSD in survivors. ... "We found it isn't just the survivor's self-blame that matters," said Sarah Ullman, a professor at University of Illinois at Chicago. "If we can stop negative responses from other people, that might matter even more than counseling survivors and saying things like "stop blaming yourself." ... In addition to overt or implied blame, negative types of responses include:
• Criticizing what she did or how she is coping.
• Using distraction techniques by saying "get on with your life."
• Ignoring the disclosure.
• Reacting in an egocentric way, such as a parent saying to a teenager, "How could you have done this to us?"

So what is the appropriate response? The best thing you can do is "believe the victim," said Vicky DiProva, of Rape Victim Advocates in Chicago, which works with 1,300 clients a year. "Support them in their decisions." Asking questions, such as, "What were you doing with that person?" or, "Why were you jogging alone" implies that it was the victim's fault, DiProva said, and thus should be avoided.
Excerpted from The Chicago Tribune – 27 March 2007

"We emphasize over and over again that it's not the survivor's fault," said Cari Olson, of the San Antonio Rape Crisis Center. "Every survivor has expressed in some way that it's their fault." The center's 24-hour hotline received 5,992 calls last year and work with clients as young as 2, including victims, family, and friends. They are there for you if you just pick up the phone and dial.
Excerpted from The San Antonio Express-News (TX) – 07 December 2000

How to Help if a Loved One has been Raped

• Believe her: People rarely tell false stories about sexual assault.
• Be supportive: Listen and reassure that it was not her fault, regardless of the circumstances.
• Stay calm: You'll be more helpful.
• Don't apply pressure: Allow the victim to bring up different issues when she is ready to talk.
• Seek medical care: She shouldn’t eat, shower, use the rest room or change clothes before going to the hospital.
• Tell police: Most of these crimes go unreported. Reporting can be part of the healing process.
• Relinquish control: Try not to make all the decisions. Let her control the situation and decide what to do.
• Suggest therapy: Rape crisis centers offer information, support and face-to-face crisis intervention.
• Recognize your own limits: You also may need support. Call the Crisis Line to discuss your own concerns.
Excerpted from The Kansas City Star – 22 August 2002

Loved Ones are Secondary Victims

"Accepting reality of rape is critical. The damage is real, the wound is real. You can't see it, but it's real and healing is possible. ... Let the survivor call the shots and heal at her own pace. That means letting a survivor know you're there for her if she wants to talk, but not asking detailed questions. Ask what she needs, what she needs to be safe. You may feel you need to know all the details about the attack, but she does not need to tell you. ... Believing the person is also important. Overwhelmingly, women do not lie about sexual assault. And they never 'get over it.' It becomes a part of their lives. But they can recover and they can heal. ... Men whose wives, girlfriends or daughters are raped become secondary victims. Suddenly, they suffer the consequences of what another man did. And they, too, must heal. They're in a very difficult situation. Their partner's fear of one man is very generalized to all men. ... Rape survivors are never alone. You do not have to suffer alone and you do not have to suffer in silence."
Jennifer Dritt, of the Sexual Assault Crisis Center, quoted in The Knoxville News-Sentinel (TN) – 28 May 2000

When a woman was raped by a trusted friend, the experience was understandably horrific for her. It also was a horrible time for her husband. "I really don't think people understand what the rest of the family goes through," he said. "The police call us secondary victims; I call us forgotten victims." ... "My wife was a very happy and vibrant person. After the rape, she withdrew so much that she wasn't the same person. It's a terrible feeling when the woman you love dearly pushes you away or has a look of terror on her face when you try to show affection," he said. ... The husband was also dealing with feelings of guilt. "You blame yourself and hold yourself responsible," he said. Many men "beat themselves up" for allowing such an atrocity to happen to their loved one. They feel "it is their job as the male to provide security, and they failed." ... She became depressed and suicidal. "If you and your wife are one and her life is turned upside down, then yours will be too," he said. He first started to see a positive change in his wife about two years after the rape, when she noticed he was moving on with life.
Excerpted from The Asbury Park Press (NJ) – 14 April 2002

A Rape Victim's Road to Recovery

It wasn't till I realized that the only way out was to listen to my heart and fight for myself, that I truly began to heal. The alchemy of being a rape survivor is that it has the power to make you so much stronger than you could ever imagine – if you let it.
Excerpted from Sara Ylen’s essay in The Port Huron Times-Herald (MI) – 18 December 2003

Karl Muench smirked and stared intently in a courtroom yesterday at the nervous young woman he had sexually assaulted four years ago. But first, the woman took a seat at the witness stand, clutched the microphone and told a full but silent courtroom how her life has changed since she attended a party held by Muench. ... "Karl Muench has affected my ability to sleep," she began in a shaky voice. "I have nightmares still." She'll see her father in her room and be terrified that it's actually Muench, she said. "I feel like I can't trust people anymore, because Karl was a really nice guy," she said. "I have an extremely hard time making and keeping friends." She continued: "It's affected romantic relationships. I'm unable to be intimate without feeling disgust, and filthy." This is true even with the man she loves and hopes to marry."I want to have kids, but I don't know how I can," she said, her hands now shaking as much as her voice. "He'll be going to jail, but I feel I've been incarcerated myself." ... At that point, she noticed Muench staring and smirking at her, and her air of fragility suddenly dissipated. She turned and spoke directly to him, a hint of rage in her voice. "I believe you are a sick, malicious, evil person," she said. "I hate you, and I'm glad you're going to jail." As the woman left the witness stand she said, "I'm not going to let him ruin my life."
Excerpted from Newsday (Long Island NY) – 21 January 2004

Nothing can ever erase the fact that a foul crime did indeed occur. Nevertheless, your attitude regarding that reality can change – enormously. An excellent means for a rape survivor to regain control of her life, and to heal, is to thoroughly learn self-defense for rape escape. Time and again, rape survivors consider it a profoundly empowering experience. See Choosing a Self-Defense Class and Rape Escape resources in Recap.

Personal Safety Devices

For convenience, learn self-defense online:

KRAV MAGA, a practical self-defense system used by many police forces worldwide, teaches you to defend yourself, enhances your survival instinct, and can be applied under extreme stress. It's not flashy, just very effective for rape escape. I highly recommend it. The Krav Maga TV - Online Training videos are especially convenient to learn at home when your schedule allows or if you don't live near a training center.

Learn all about Women's Personal Safety Tips

Also see Women-Safety-Overview and Women-Safety-Date-Rape.

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